I started writing this post maybe five different times. Each time with a different title. The words just wouldn’t come out in a way that I thought was understandable. I still don’t know why I needed to get on here and write, just that I needed to say something.
I feel like I was strong, once. I am told that I am still strong, very strong. But I don’t feel it. Instead I feel anxious everyday. Sometimes to the point of a panic attack. Writing helps, so does meditation and some other things. But those aren’t enough. Just looking at my kiddo can make my heart feel like it is trying to claw out of my chest.
Do you understand how debilitating that is for a mom?
Because I’m a mom. I have a kiddo depending on me. I have a court ordered co-parent who is nothing but combative. Because of the anxiety and panic attacks, my thoughts race every day when I don’t feel secure. I can’t let the money run low, even when it does. What happens if I can’t pay a bill? If I have time to work, I should be working. Am I checking in with kiddo enough? Is this life good enough for them? Am I protecting them in the right way? They can’t tell that I’m scared, right? If I keep fighting and pushing through the anxieties go away, right?
Wrong. They don’t go away like that. They need to be healed. Through glimmers. Through support. Through protection. Through help.
Professional help is how I get through life right now. With medication and a doctor who understands. A support network that is always there for me. Still, I feel like I always need more support than I should.
I know this post might not make sense to some people. I know it may not be what you want to hear. But it is real. It is happening to millions of people and it needs to stop.
We need systems in place so that people get the help that they need when they need it. We need real change. You don’t need to march on Washington (though kudos if you can). If you only have the strength for a petition, do that today. If you have the means, contact a local therapy practice and see if you can donate to someone’s mental health fees. Take the tiny profit hit and keep the person, ditch AI, so someone can afford to live.
Your actions matter, no matter who you are. Your mental health matters, no matter who you are.
If you need help finding mental health support, try psychologytoday.com, zocdoc.com, therapist.com, or just a quick internet search for practices near you.
I don’t have the answers on how to heal from anxiety and motherhood. I clearly don’t have the well written words that I want to share. But I do have honesty. I have hope. And I have the determination to make positive changes to ensure I get to the healthy life I want for myself and my kiddo.
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