Is it time to go solo? Co-parenting can be an absolutely amazing way to move on after a divorce and give your kid(s) a better life. However, there are many instances (like mine) where it can actually make your child’s life worse. If there is no trust, cooperation, and compromise then co-parenting is doomed to failure from the start. No matter what a magistrate or judge says. So how do you tell the difference between putting in more work and throwing in the towel?
What Does Healthy Co-Parenting Look Like?
Honestly, I’ve only ever read about it online. I haven’t had a positive experience co-parenting. Probably because I have been ordered to co-parent with a narcissist. I imagined parenting after divorce to be respectful, with compromise, and clear consistent communication. That isn’t my reality, but I am so thankful that there are families out there that can make that dynamic work.
Red Flags and Responding
Being able to recognize toxic or narcissistic behavior doesn’t make the situation better, but it does allow you to take a step back and get yourself together before you respond to the other party. For instance, when my ex started making severe life changes that I had to find out about, by accident, from my kiddo. He didn’t care how it affected my kiddo, he wanted to do the things so he did. Kiddo is in therapy once a week, in large part, due to these severe changes.
Being inflexible, uncooperative, uncompromising, etc. these are all red flags that you should be aware of. And just as important as identifying these flags, is how you respond. I always respond in writing, via email, with a clear an neutral tone. Our relationship is so deteriorated that we can barely speak on the phone to each other or tolerate each other’s presence. We have very strict rules for communication and even then it is like pulling teeth to get my ex to communicate at all.
I Can’t Keep Going on Like This, I Need to Go Solo
Co-parenting with a narcissist can eventually break you. Or keep you broken if you haven’t healed from having a relationship with them. I had tried everything to make it work. Mediation and parental coordination were both failures. When the severe life changes started happening I hit my breaking point, again. I couldn’t afford a lawyer, I was still paying off the last one, I didn’t qualify for legal aid. But I had to do something, even if it didn’t go anywhere.
I filed to terminate shared parenting. Represented myself twice in court, and it failed. But I did it. I stood up and said this isn’t what is best for my kiddo or me. I know I will need to face him again in court in the future, because a narcissist doesn’t change their behavior like that, and I’m hoping I can afford an amazing lawyer by then. But how can I prepare until that time?
Documentation and Self Care As You Prepare to Go Solo
First thing, keeping to the communication plan with 99% of all communication being through email. The other 1% being an email that summarizes the call, in-person conversation, or text. I may even setup an email account just to communicate with my ex, now that I think about it. The goal here is to have evidence to give to a lawyer to help get the co-parenting order terminated.
Second thing, take care of my health. The stress, anxiety, and just fear has taken it’s toll on me. Self care is no longer an option. I’ve always liked green tea and so I decided to learn more about the different types and the culture surrounding it. I highly recommend Hibiki-An (I’m not affiliated) if that is your thing too. I’m now practicing mindful meditation and consistently working on my mindset.
Key Takeaway
If you’ve done everything you can to make co-parenting work, you’ve done a great job and you should be proud. It is a long and tough road to go solo, but I believe it is what is best for everyone involved. Including my narcissistic ex. Still don’t know if this applies to you? Here is a good resource to help you out.
What struggles have you had with your co-parenting journey? How did you overcome them? What positives have come out of you choosing to go solo? Let us know in the comments!
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